rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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