I heard we made out
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
