im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
