We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Randomize
