i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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