Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
