dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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