I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
