flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
