3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
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Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
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Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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