Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
