I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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