the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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