You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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