You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
the day after is always just damage control
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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