I hate your face
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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