i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
