I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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