I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
