id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
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