I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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