I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
