Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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