Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We were destined to go to rehab together
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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