just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
