I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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