Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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