So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
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That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
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there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
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