I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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