ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm just crazy horny about you
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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