I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
