So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Randomize
