i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
