(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
