I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
