Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
