Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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