i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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