There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
