woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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