No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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