Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
