i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
