I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
the condom got lost in my hair
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
