when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
