My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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