god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
