I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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