apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
