You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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