great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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