Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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