if only i could text you this smell
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
