I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
