Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
This is the prime rib incident all over again
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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