If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
