i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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